Monday October 15, 2007

The phlebotomist comes in a 4am again to take blood and poke my finger to test for blood sugar levels... OH JOY!! thank goodness I already have an IV because I am sick to death of them poking my arm to try to get blood. My arms are so bruised from TRIES by phlebotomists and nurses.... GRRRR!!!

I actually get to order breakfast and of course.... YES YOU KNOW IT.. I order biscuits and gravy with a fruit cup, apple juice and a scrambled egg.

Still having troubles with diarrhea... Last Tuesday one of the nurse-aids put a commode next to my bed but the TPN created such bad diarrhea that by the time I THOUGHT I had to "GO"... it had already happened... no time to get to the commode... so I've not used the commode much! Now that I'm moving a little better I have been trying to make it to the bathroom!

I don't know how many people have gone so long without eating solid foods but now that I can swallow again... it feels so good to have a full tummy! I am so happy... I feel soo much better and it's been a week without chemo and radiation. MY butt is still pretty tender but it's healing and feels so much better without open oozing sores.. I am anxious to get back to treatments to get it OVER with but the break does FEEL good!!

Dr Rasque comes in and orders scans of my pelvic area but says I need to wait until about 2pm since I ate breakfast...

I am trying to walk every couple of hours. I am getting better at walking and keeping my right foot UP.. so I don't trip. I love it when JR comes to walk with me because the nurses will let him wheelchair me up to the walkover... and I get to see the outside world for a while!

If my scans come back good Hope may let me go home today or tomorrow.. that would be nice!!

I go ahead and order dinner just in case I stay!!

Sunday October 14th 2007

The Dr walked in today and found me eating the soft part of the biscuits with gravy and was not too happy.. The words "SOFT DIET" kept coming up. Oh well... I was hungry and guess what.. ALL the food went down.. I could actually swallow again!!

I've been trying to get up several times a day and walk.. the problem is that every step I take I have to be so careful. My toes and almost the entire right foot drags so if I don't lift the leg up high enough and the toes catch I will stumble and fall. So far I've already fallen 4 times and I am pretty bruised up. I don't know how I bruise so easily.. there doesn't seem to be a lot of blood in me. They are always complaining that they can't find a vain... (I'm bruised up from that too) and that my blood is not good!! I need MORE of it.. they are thinking about giving my another unit of blood before I leave the hospital. I wonder if any of the blood that is in my is really mine... LOL!!!

Lunch is soup, toast, fruit cup and tea.. the tea is nasty and I ask JR if he will get me something better to drink.. a shake from the cafeteria or something.. anything but what I have in front of me!

When I am walking the nurse asks me to get up on a scale.. this scale looks like it's made for a COW to get up on... I weigh and I am just under 108.. I've been on TPN all week ... getting insulin shots 3-4xs daily... they were sure that was going to get me gaining weight but I've lost weight... probably all the diahrrea..

Dinner isn't much better... I want biscuits and gravy again.. it's the only thing that tastes good to me...

I go for another walk.. I try to walk quite a bit more and I fall again! I need a good brace but of course I won't get one in the hospital. When I get home I will make myself up one.. I can figure this out!! Not sure when I will be getting out... tomorrow will be a week and I am sure Dr Rasque will want to see me again before I am discharged... they may have to do another CT scan on my bowels to make sure they aren't blocked... OH JOY.. that will mean I can't eat again until after the scan is over.. :-(

Saturday October 13th, 2007

Well, Hope Rasque forgot to tell me she would be out of town for the weekend and her NEW partner would be checking in on me.. In walks a VERY nice looking young man with a very deep SEXY voice! He introduces himself and says he's there to check me over! He did some checking but could tell I was extremely uncomfortable and so he just talked with me for a while.. he could see I felt good but I was not comfortable with him check me over too much! LOL!!!

After he checked me over and left the room a nurse comes in and says.. we are going to let you drink some broth. What kind do you want chicken or beef!

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many cups of broth can I have? Well.. several but don't over do it!

Chicken!!!! Can I have 2..... YES!! OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!

This day I seem to have lots more energy and I get up and walk short distances.. but many many many times during the day!! JR asks the nurse if he can wheel me over to the "WALK OVER" between the hospital and the Hulston Center.. and if I can walk thru the walk over... the answer.. "YES"!!!!! OMG!!!!!!

Walking thru the WALK-OVER is so beautiful! The walk over is completely windows so it's almost like walking outside without all the outside elements! It's so nice to look at something other than being inside a hospital! I still have to wear the HUGE depends... I am making GOOD use of all the silk tape.. wrapping the depends on me is SOO silly but they have none small enough for me!

Later JR goes and gets me more broth.. and makes me 2 cups again! Then a nurse comes in with an ice-pop! OMG.. I get to eat an orange ice-pop!! She says I can have a few more if I like and takes JR down to where they are stored and tells him how many I can have that evening!

Saturday is a GOOD day!!!

Friday October 12th, 2007

Well.. I think they have PLUGGED up my port with the TPN.. they are having a hard time getting blood from my port!! I talk to 2 of my friends who are nurses that say they can't believe the nurses at COX put my TPN in thru a port! They said it should have been give thru an IV only!! FUN FUN!!!

Dr Rasque comes in early and say she likes the way I look! She says she thinks the blockage is going away. The swelling on my stomach has gone down a lot! But she is not ready to let me eat or drink yet! GRRRR!!!!

I am trying to get up and walk every couple of hours and I'm forcing myself to walk MORE each time! Even if it's just a few steps. People don't realize that when you are so very weak every little step seems like a mile!

I am getting pretty bruised up! The bruises on top of bruises are looking really bad! The under bruises (or first bruises) are turning green and several have turned purple and the ones on the top are BLACK! Looks terrible!

I have made a list of EVERY place I want to eat when I can start eating again! I want the cheese biscuits at Red Lobster... I want the bread sticks at Olive Garden.. I want a bloomin' onion at OutBack... and SO ON AND SO ON!!! OMG I am hungry!!!!

Thursday October 11, 2007

My chemo oncologist comes in early today and after checking me over tells me that if I don't get up and start moving around I am going to wither away and my muscles will just atrophy away to nothing.. I realize he is right!

After I see all my Drs and I get all my meds etc.. I strap on a HUGE depends and wrap silk tape around and around and around me to hold the depends up... I grab my "IV" pole/stand, wrap the hospital gown around me and tape it and off I walk! I tire easily the first time out so I can only walk around the corner and back to my room. I try again and again! This is the beginning of me trying to BRING myself back to health!

I am still not getting to eat so even though I am getting what I need from TPN my stomach seems hollow.. and empty and I am still getting headaches that feel like headaches from being hungry! I am irritable and unhappy! It's hard to be nice to anyone. I definitely have an attitude and it's not a nice one.

When JR comes to see me he helps me walk farther and then wheelchairs me back to my room!

I fall asleep watching LA INK... If I ever get out of the hospital I am going to get a tattoo.. I want a tattoo...

Wednesday Oct 10, 2007

Every day at 4am a phlebotomist comes into my room and takes blood and pokes my finger. Some of them know what they are doing and some DO NOT.. if you poke someone one's finger for blood on the side.. it hurts less... if you pock it RIGHT on the center.. OMG.. it hurts... I am careful to watch them and will pull my finger if they are going to poke me straight on!! I don't understand why they can't come at say.. 8am!!

A fun fun side effect of TPN.. is HIGH HIGH Blood sugar levels.. to the point that insulin is needed. Because my blood sugar levels I am getting regular headaches.. I feel like to the TOP of my SKULL is going to BLOW.. EXPLODE off... I have suffered migraine headaches before with and aura.. and this blood sugar headache is the worst of my lifetime.

The nurse rushes in with an insulin shot and says "WHERE DO YOU WANT IT".. I thought she could just put it in my IV but NO... this shot has to be administered in a FATTY AREA of the body.. HAHAHAHAH!!! Where.. I have no fat on my body.. She grabs a bit of skin on my thigh pushes it together and BAM... goes the insulin... within minutes my headache is gone but WOWZER you should see the bruise left on my thigh.. it's HUGE!! Several times a day a nurse comes in and administers insulin. Within days I have bruises on my thighs and on the backs of my arms.. HUGE bruises...

Another fun side effect of NPO (No food by mouth)... is dry mouth. NO WATER.. so the nurse-aid gives me some little sponges on the ends of sticks (SPONGE ON A STICK).... they look like a toothbrush.. and you are allowed to put the sponge in water and sponge out your mouth!! SOOO fun!! GRRRRRR...... Plus the Drs are worried that I have thrush in my mouth and down my throat (a side effect of chemo) and they have given me a fun drug that I must SWISH in my mouth and not swallow! It is SOO nasty!

Every day I am getting edgier.. I am not happy.. it's no fun being NPO.. I hate every minute of it and I am getting more and more agitated at everyone and everything! I finally tell JR I want NO ONE in the room. ... EVERYONE GO AWAY and leave me alone!

Oct 8th-9th, 2007

This is an exciting day.. I wake up early and take a shower. JR is taking me to the Hulston Center first because I will get radiation and then go over to the hospital to be admitted! I pour myself a sports bottle full of COLD Gatorade... JR grabs my bag we packed and off we go..

We arrive at the Hulston Center and I scan my ID card... within a few minutes my name is called and JR helps me back to the radiation room. When we are done we head over to the hospital. It's so funny.. I have checked into this hospital and the surrounding clinics and centers.. ALL OWNED or ASSOCIATED with this hospital.. yet EVERY TIME I am admitted to anyone of the centers, clinics or the hospital ... I have to completely RE-CHECK in with all the paperwork NEW each time. You would think they would come up with a way to CHECK you in ONE time.. get all your info and they could CUT down on all the PAPERWORK... it's crazy...

I finally get to my room... and get comfortable... the nurse reminds me to order lunch.. but I know I won't be able to each much so I order up some soup... Within a few minutes in walks my radiation oncologist... he does not like the way I look... he is worried about my and he checks out my radiation burns.. and is NOT HAPPY!! He says he is going to call my colo-rectal surgeon and my chemo oncologist and have them check me out before we start chemo.. within an hour in walks Hope Rasque.. my surgeon.. she does some tests on my abdominal area.... one of the tests... she puts 3 fingers on my lower belly area and then pops the fingers with her other hand... to see what my belly will do... The test SENDS ME THRU THE ROOF... almost SCREAMING in pain... she quickly backs away with a concerned look on her face and rushed out of the room.. next thing I know the nurses are prepping my arm for an IV... and they quickly administer some HEAVY HEAVY pain killer.. I am in so much pain and I am SEEING RED.... Dr Rasque orders a CT scan of my pelvis... and then she leaves...

My lunch comes but the techs arrive to wheel me down for the pelvic CT scan... and so I am not able to eat... When they wheel me back to the room I drink down my soup.. and fall into a very restless sleep. I just remember that I could hear the TV and all the hustle outside of my room!

Later that afternoon Dr Rasque comes back and explains to me.. that when ever you have abdominal surgeries.. like a c-section to have a baby.. or a hysterectomy there can be LOOPING of the bowels.. When they take out all or part of your bowels or move them to do the surgeries... then when the bowels are replaced it is VERY easy to LOOP the bowels. She felt that during one of my EARLIER surgeries some of my bowels were looped. Normally that would not be a problem but when you are getting pelvic radiation it can cause severe problems. When the bowels are looped the radiation can cause scar tissue to develop and BLOCKAGES can occur... which is exactly what she thinks is happening to me! She said that if they do surgery on my bowel area I will have to discontinue any radiation or chemo treatments for at least one to 2 months while I heal from the surgery. They do NOT want to do that so she is going to try something else first... She is going to let my bowels REST by putting my on TPN.. with NPO... Total parenteral nutrition (TPN) is like STEAK and POTATOES in a bag.. along with NPO.... NO FOOD BY MOUTH.. and that includes fluids.. By 7pm they have my on TPN... and I am given little sponges on a STICK!!! (they look like toothbrushes with a sponge on the end).. and I am allowed to dampen my mouth.. but NO WATER.. NOTHING entering into my body from my mouth... for 5 days.... (maybe longer)... OMG!!! They put the TPN in thru my PORT... I hate that thing.. I HATE IT!!

This is not a happy day for me... Now I know I will not have chemo or radiation for at least one week.. and possibly 2 or 3.. I am VERY unhappy. I turn on BRAVO TV and watch Top Chef.... watch the different cooking shows has become like PORN to me.. I am so hungry I am lusting after food... it's been soo very long since I sat down and ATE a meal.. I can't wait until I can eat again!!

Tuesday morning I wake up to some TERRIBLE TPN side effects... diarrhea... this is a type of diarrhea that.. WHEN you feel you have to go.. you have ALREADY gone.. there is not time to get up and go.. The nurse moves a commode near by bed...but with the IV in my arm...and another IV in my port.. and am not fast enough to get up and out of bed and get to the commode or bathroom in time!! Talk about humiliating.. I felt so bad for the nurses because they were constantly cleaning up after me.. Finally the nurse gets me some DEPENDS but they are an XL... big enough for someone who weighs 200-300lbs... and I barely weigh 110... So I have to use silk tape to wrap around the depends to keep it on me!!

My friend Marilyn comes to visit me... I am not in a good mood.. JR says something about "WHAT WE ARE GOING THRU"... and I look at him and say.. WHO IS WE??? You aren't going thru CRAP... and I go off... Both Marilyn and JR know it's NOT me talking... it's the cancer.. I am pissed.. I am hungry.. I am unhappy.. and I am mad at the world.. and mad at GOD... and I have told GOD and EVERYONE.... it's a VERY black day for me!!

Oct 6th-7th, 2007

Very hard weekend. My abdominal area has gotten so swollen and tender. Not sure what is going on but I don't think this is right. Glad I'm going into the hospital on Monday. Maybe they can all figure out what's wrong with me! Since I'm going into the hospital next week.. Pete and Whitney stick around the house when JR leaves for work. They are going to stay with me. It's nice to have them here because they check up on my but let me sleep. Whitney keeps COLD Gatorade in my room and when I wake up... it's on my nightstand. I feel HOT all the time.. so COLD Gatorade feels soo good going down my throat!

Sunday morning JR helps me to pack up thing I know I will need. I will probably be in the hospital Monday to Thursday... The chemo is for 96 hours.. and I will be getting radiation at the same time. I figure I will be home by Friday... and sometime the following week I will be done with treatments.. just in time to celebrate our daughters birthdays on the 23rd and 24th of Oct!!

Oct 1-5th, 2007

JR gets me up early and we leave for radiation treatments.. on the way I tell him how hungry I am and wonder why I can't eat anything. Looking in my mouth ... there is horrible thrush.. I am gargling with salt water but that is doing nothing to keep it away..

I have one more week of radiation and NEXT week I will do radiation and chemo which means I will be done with treatments before the girls birthdays. This makes me very happy. BUT.. the burns on my pelvic and butt area are so bad that they bleed all the time! I have diarrhea 24/7.. taking 16 imodium a day is doing nothing!

We get home and all I can do is go lay down ... JR brings in some gatorade and chicken broth.. I still see NO light at the end of the tunnel. Everything seems SOOO dark! Sometimes I feel like I have tunnel vision.. only keeping my eyes focused on what I have to do and blocking out the rest!

I feel like I'm wasting away. I see my reflection in the mirror and my body looks like the images I saw in the movie Schindler's List... literally you see nothing but bone and skin.. my ribs show..my hips bones.. I hate mirrors and try to avoid them. My hair is SOO thin.. It's not thin enough to get a wig but a lot of my hair has fallen out!

Friday is finally here.. I see my radiation oncologist and he agrees to admit me on Monday for my final round of CHEMO.. my chemo oncologist agrees... This is the first time in WEEKS that I have been excited...

September 29th-30th, 2007

JR is working this weekend. I can not be left alone while he's at work but I need my rest. When we have a friend stay with me they usually want to talk and I don't have that energy anymore so Whitney and Pete stay around all weekend and keep their eye on me.
I am still only drinking chicken broth and Gatorade. I have lost quite a bit of weight. Gatorade is starting to make me sick to my stomach by giving me an acid reflux issue.
I'm having a hard time seeing the LIGHT at the end of the tunnel. Seems like it just keeps getting worse... EVERYTHING just keeps getting worse. I quote PROMISES out of the Bible.. reminding GOD and JESUS about their promises to US.. some days I am just plain ANGRY at God and LIFE.. This weekend I am angry and unhappy!

September 24-28, 2007

This is a normal week of getting up early every day and getting into the Hulston center for radiation. I am very weak because I am not eating solids. By Thursday I am pretty sick. On my way out of radiation I become nauseous and throw the Gatorade I drank this morning. When I throw up I lose control of my bowls at the same time.. I hate diarrhea.. the oozing open sores on my pelvic/butt area from radiation burn like crazy every time I have diarrhea!! Life SUCKS!!! One of the nurses recommends that I see the radiation oncologist.. so I go in and see Dr Albritton. He decides I need to get some fluids via IV.. so I go upstairs to the outpatient area and am hooked up and I get 2 FULL bags of IV fluids... I immediately feel better and go home and sleep VERY good that night.
I always look forward to the weekend because I get a break from radiation. The burns have gotten so bad that I am in pain 24/7. Nothing works to releave the oozing sores. I try to keep ointment on the sores at all times because if they dry out too much they crack and bleed even more than usual.
This week marks 23 radiation treatments. When I am around my 30th treatment I will be getting my 2nd round of 96 hours of chemo. So.. sometime in the next 2 weeks I will be getting my last rounds of radiation and chemo!!!

September 23, 2007.
Sunday.. my dad and family are leaving today. So everyone gathers at our house.. Troy and Peter are not YET ordained ministers but both have their degree and are going into the ministry FIELD.. they all decide to anoint me with oil.. lay hands on me and pray for my healing. It is a VERY emotional gathering. Everyone is crying. I am emotional but I have very little energy because I have not eaten solid foods for quite some time.
Dad, Jan, Aimee and Troy all load up in their van and head to Texas. I go back to bed. I spend the rest of the day watching TV and sleeping. My usual diet of Gatorade and chick broth is getting old.

The pain from my sciatic nerve tumor seems to be almost GONE. I haven't experienced the severe sciatica pain in days... but the pain from my treatments have taken hold.

September 22th, 2007

Today I wake up to JR making pancakes! I can smell them and I am SOOOO hungry. I go into the kitchen and there is butter, peanut butter and syrup on the counter... JR pulls a HOT pancake off the griddle and puts some peanut butter and syrup on the pancake for me.. I cut into it and take a small bite.. I chew and chew but ... I can't swallow... I literally have to spit out the bite... my throat will NOT swallow the pancake! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!?!! I take several bites and repeat the process of spitting out the bite after it's totally chewed up! I can no longer swallow! I drink some Gatorade and proceed to throw that all up!! OH GREAT...

My dad and his wife(Jan)... my 1/2 sister(Aimee) and her husband(Troy) all pull up to the house and Jan, Aimee and our daughter, Whitney, all take off for Hobby Lobby... Whitney's wedding is Dec 28th and Jan is helping Whitney pick out some decorations for the wedding... My dad, Troy and JR all hang out in the basement watching TV while I sleep!!

When the group gets home from Hobby Lobby I can tell Whitney is excited about all the purchases.. They all suggest we go to Texas Roadhouse for early dinner and JR helps me get ready... I haven't had anything to eat all day... I've been drinking Gatorade and that really doesn't fill me up much so I am really hungry.

We arrive at Texas Roadhouse and it's packed but we are early so we get seated pretty quickly. I order a huge meal of soup.. then chicken fried steak, baked potato and veggies... Everyone is eating peanuts but they don't look too appetizing.. My order arrives and I take a bite and guess what... I still can't swallow. I chew and chew and went it comes time to swallow I have to spit out the food again! I am so hungry but I can't eat... I drink the broth from the soup and that's it! This sucks!

When we get home JR makes me a shake with ensure.. and I gag!! He brings me in some chicken broth and Gatorade! That's all I've had all day!! I just realize that JR is supposed to be at work but I guess he took the day off since our family was going to be in town!

Sept 23, 2007 (Sunday),

Today I wake up today JR making biscuits and gravy... I can hear him stirring the gravy into the right thickness... it smells SOO good!! I get up and go into the kitchen and he makes me up a plate... again I try to eat but the food gets stuck in my throat... I can't swallow!! I end up drinking Gatorade and more chicken broth for breakfast... even though I have only been drinking liquid and am on basically a liquid diet for a couple of days now I still have horrible diarrhea! I am still taking 12-16 imodium a day and that barely puts a dent into it!

While I am drinking my Gatorade my dad, Jan, Aimee and Troy ring the doorbell... Whitney answers the door and they all come in... soon after Peter (Whitney's fiance) arrives and so does Danielle! We are all soon sitting in the living room visiting. They are leaving today and we are getting in some last minute conversation! After several minutes of chatting my dad's voice gets a little loud and he makes an announcement.. Troy (getting his Masters and is a pastor), Peter (soon to be a pastor) and my dad are going to pray over me and anoint with me oil!! My family gathers around me... everyone has their hands on me... and they begin to anoint me... I can feel the power of the Holy Spirit in the room!! I am in tears... everyone is in tears... everyone is praying!! Talk about an AWESOME experience!

Within hours my dad and family are back on the road to Fort Worth, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, where Troy is attending college! JR, Peter, Whitney and I are all still sitting in the front room! I am super tired so I go to bed!!

Throughout the day JR brings me Gatorade and broth... but around 3pm he comes in and is dressed for work! He tells me that Pete and Whitney are going to watch me tonight and if I need anything to ask them! I hear him leave for work!

The last meal where I actually ate food was on Friday morning! It's now Sunday evening and all I've had is Gatorade and broth! I don't have much energy to think about it and I know I have radiation in the morning so I go to sleep!!

Sept 17th - 21st, 2007

I am going onto radiation treatment 14.. the pain in my hip/leg from the tumor on my sciatica.. is beginning to subside but the tingling from the nerve working again.. is getting to be stronger and stronger. I am not needing as much NORCO for pain but am needing more Lyrica for the nerve tingling. I am still on NORCO though because I am having severe abdominal pain from taking so many Imodium pills.. usually 12-16 a day to try and keep the diarrhea down.. my pelvic area is so burned and having the acid-diarrhea burns me up like crazy...

My appetite is going away... each day I eat less and less. It's like I chew the food but when I try and swallow... it's hard to get the food down! I used to be able to eat nice sized meals before 1pm... but that's getting more difficult. I tell JR I need Gatorade and chicken broth.. and he gets me plenty.. I try drinking Ensure and some other meal replacement drinks and I gag on them... YUCK!!

Sept 20th, 2007... my dad and his wife arrived... I was completely surprised. I had no idea. My dad went through cancer treatments too for stage 4 prostate cancer. He and his wife flew into the Tulsa airport and drove in... tomorrow my 1/2 sister and her husband are coming in... my daughter is driving down to pick them up!

I'm not feeling so good.. basically I just sit and listen to them all talk. I don't have much energy for anything else.

Sept 21st, 2007

Today my dad and his wife go with us to my radiation treatments and to meet my doctors. My dad and his wife are staying at the Residence Inn which is VERY close to the Hulston Center in Springfield.. they come in with me.. and see the radiation machine.. and meet my techs and Dr Albritton. After my treatments dad takes us all to Scramblers for breakfast... I am not very hungry.. I get my food already to eat and I chew it up but I can seem to swallow.

After we finish with breakfast we drive over to South Gate Baptist Church. We have been attending this church since Christmas 1998.... We moved to Missouri in June of 1998... Our youngest daughter, Whitney, is getting married on December 28th at South Gate and my dad and his wife want to see what the inside of the church looks like so they can get an idea of how to decorate. I won't be able to do much decorating for this wedding so I am trying to get as much help as I can to decorate. My dad's wife goes shopping with Whitney and helps her buy some decorations for the reception and for the church...

We finally get home and I go to bed. I am so tired and since I didn't get to pack my pelvic area with ice.. I am burning up.. JR crushes me several bags of ice... I pack myself down and the ice melts fast... JR gets me more ice... The skin between my butt cheeks... is basically non-existent.. the entire area is open oozing radiation sores. I do sitz baths 3 to 4 times a day and nothing is helping.. I slather on ointments and salve... I am not taking pain medication for gas pains and for radiation burns..

I really don't remember dinner this night.. We might have gotten food and brought it to the house... Aimee and Troy arrive late and Whitney drove to pick them up so she was probably tired too...

Fall of 2007...

I need to make an addendum... to my blog... there were somethings that happened that I don't really remember WHEN they happened... but I need to post about them!!
This will continually be updated as I remember more and more!

1).. I received a Huge Bouquet of flowers from my dad, his wife Jan, my sister Aimee, her husband Troy and my brother Danny and his wife Michelle.. the flowers were AMAZINGLY Beautiful!!!

2)... I received a beautiful arrangement of flowers from Ray and Sue Goodmon..

3).. Steg Helwig mowed our yards SEVERAL times during my illness..

4)... Russ and Shari Wilder came to see us so many times in the hospital and our house I can't even remember how many times..

5)... Steg and Sally Helwig came to see me a lot...

6)... Clark and Martha Wilson came to see me TONS AND TONS...

7)... Dave and Marsha Crom came to see us in the hospital a LOT...

8)... Shawna Townsend (my physical therapist and a ballroom dancing friend) came to see me in the hospital several times...

9)... A group of online friends from a private chatroom called the OCCH sent me a flower arrangement with a stuffed animal...

10).. A close group of women that I am friends with... we have a private posting board ... they all sent me so many flowers, stuffed animals... and other items ... I can't even remember all the good stuff they sent me... and for my birthday in Nov.. they sent me a GREAT gift with a gift card to a day spa... those ladies really helped me get through a lot of tough times...

11).. Danny and Tammy Knight of Knight A/C... in Nixa... did a checkup/tune up on our AC/Heating unit for FREE... what a blessing!! Plus I can't remember how many times Tammy and other Sunday school classes ladies came to my house with food..

12).. Clark and Martha Wilson... were a GOD-SEND during my treatments ... etc.. Clark became my "PASTOR"... helping me..talking with me.. praying with me... and Martha.. came over so many times with sushi!!

13)..

September 8th, 2007 - September 9th, 2007

Today is Saturday... I don't have radiation treatments this morning. JR has to be at work at 4pm which means he leaves around 3pm.... so some one will have to come and sit with me from 3pm until JR gets home around midnight. I don't remember a lot about this weekend... I did not make an entry into my journal about this weekend... I am pretty sure Sue Faseler watched me over this weekend... either Saturday or Sunday... and that Steve Faseler went and got us sushi(rolls) for dinner from Tokyo Grill! TOTAL YUMM... and I am think Whitney (my daughter) and her fiance (husband now) watched me on Sunday.... I don't think I moved much over this weekend other than icing my radiation burns... and running to the bathroom.....

September 10-14, 2007

Radiation treatments begin again today. I know that I am already hot all the time.. I have lost all my body hair... ALL BODY HAIR is gone... no leg hair.. not arm hair... no facial fuzz... no underarm hair... it's all gone! The hair on my head is still pretty thick but when I brush my hair I get a lot more than USUAL... loose hair in my brush.... I sure hoped I wouldn't lose my hair!

Not much different about my schedule... other than the fact that once a week now I have to see Dr Albritton and ALSO see Dr Ellis... Dr Ellis wants to have all my labs done weekly and Dr Albritton wants to VISUALLY look at me to make sure I am doing okay... They both are weighing me and I am losing weight... Dr Ellis watches my blood labs like a hawk... My blood count has been a little low but the Dr is okay with it!!

Sept 15-16th, 2007

I live for the weekends... more now than ever before. Saturdays and Sundays I get a break from radiation. I am thinking that Martha Wilson and Laura Hawkins helped watch me this weekend. The days are now starting to run together... When I was n the hospital I had a lot of events happen that helped set a good timeline but at home... I'm losing track... as I remember I will make adjustments to my blog!

September 5th 2007


Woke up early today. I have to be AT the Hulston Center for radiation at 7:30am and it takes about 15+ minutes to get there so we leave a little early. JR checks in for me by using a SWIPE card.. like a credit card... soon a lady calls my name and JR helps me walk back to the radiation room. It is very odd walking into this room. All my previous treatments I have been WHEELED in ... in a wheel chair.. JR waits outside and when the treatment is over he comes in and helps me. My right leg is so week I have a hard time walking and I will fall so JR's arm is like my safety net!! We get back into the car and I tell JR I will definitely need ice when we get home. My pelvic area is burning up.

When we arrive home I head directly for the bedroom. JR crushes ice for me and brings in huge amounts in plastic bags. JR lays down a big plastic tarp and I sit on a pile of ice in a bag and then pack the 2nd bag on the front of my pelvic area.. It feels soo good to have the ice packed!!

JR leaves me and goes into the kitchen to make me breakfast.. we find that if me makes me biscuits and gravy and a scrambled egg.. I will eat every morsel! I am not gaining any weight... JR brings in a BUNCH of pills and a glass of water... I am still taking 2 imodium(minimum) at a time. I watch TV and nap.. around 12:30... JR brings in some homemade chicken noodle soup that our next neighbors have made for me. They bring a huge pot of it over EVERY Monday. It is so good. JR also brings 2 huge slices of fresh cheese bread... I try to eat it all... because by 2:30pm.. I will not eat.. and I will start to get nauseous and throwing up or gagging! It happens everyday... the diarrhea usually starts full blast at that time. Depends have become my friend. That is the only way I can keep from have a huge mess everywhere ALL THE TIME. Sitz bathes are also a way of life.. but my sitz bathes are a little different than the norm. Since the skin around my pelvic area is so tender there is no way I can have that PRESSURE WASHER type sitz bath.. I take a packet of domeboro and put it in a HUGE aluminum turkey baking pain... along with VERY VERY warm water... up to about 3-5"... then I SIT in the turkey pan.. this might sound funny to you but we couldn't find anything else for me to SIT in that wasn't HUGE or too small... I do these sitz bathes.. or soaking bathes 3-4 times daily.. it helps to dry out the burns... after the sitz bath I lay on my side.. on my bed and let a fan blow on my pelvic area... to dry it... The burns are becoming pretty bad and oozing! I use a lot of Aquaphor ointment... the other ointments and lotions do nothing...

By 3:00pm I am gagging... throwing up and and diarrhea are FULL ON!! No more food consumption for the day.. JR was making me carrot juice in the evenings but the Drs have said NO CARROT juice until AFTER the last round of chemo... they do not want anything working against the chemo treatments... so I just drink lots and lots of water and herbal tea... and drink down massive amounts of pills prescribed by the Drs along with more imodium!!

The evenings usually consist of watching TV.. when LA Ink and Top Chef are on.. I NEVER miss those shows.. and I never miss Orange County Housewives... those are my favorite... I watch a lot of the cooking channel and dream of when I will get to eat food again!!

Thank goodness for the pain meds and Xanax... I fall asleep...


Just before midnight JR comes in with more pills!!

September 6th 2007

4AM JR comes in with MORE PILLS!! GAG!!!!!

Every day my schedule seems to be pretty much the same...
4:00am JR brings in meds..
7:00am JR wakes me up..
7:15am we leave for radiation...
by 8:00am JR is making me breakfast while I sit on ice...
Lots of pills.. lots of imodium...
12-12:30pm I'm eating lunch....
2:30-3pm... I am nauseous and diarrhea is full blast...
nothing more to eat but lots of pills.. and sometimes I throw those up!!
watch tv and snooze for the rest of the day...

My life sucks... I have been reading a prayer booklet.. I am angry at God and I tell HIM so... I can't hardly read the Bible because when I do I read where HE KNOWS everything that's going to happen to me and that makes me SOOO mad at Him.. So this prayer booklet really helps.. I write down all the PROMISES Jesus made... and I quote them... EVERY DAY.. and I pray.. and I pray...

I am losing weight.. I can tell... I'm sick all the time.. NO WONDER...


September 7th 2007
It's Friday... today is the last day in a row for radiation and I get the weekend off.. but JR has to go to work tomorrow and Sunday.. he has friends scheduled to watch me on Saturday and Sunday because I can't be left alone.. there is no way I can take care of myself.. I'm a VERY sick girl.. VERY SICK... hopefully the radiation/chemo will work and my pain in my leg/sciatica will stop soon and I can go off pain meds.. but with the amount of gas I am having I am not sure I will want to go off the meds...

Just a little after lunch the doorbell rings and it's Shawna.. my physical therapist.. she is coming to check up on me and brings me some fresh flowers.. that was pretty special..

September 5th 2007

The phlebotomist again.. 4AM... oh man... I never get to sleep in! TV this early is pretty lame... Dr Ellis arrives pretty early today... he is thinking he may let me go home! As soon as he leaves I order breakfast. Then the man arrives with my wheelchair.. it's time to get heated up again.. RADIATION!! As we are going over I call JR on my cell phone and tell him I may get to go home.

When we get back to my room breakfast is waiting... and so is Dr Rasque... she wants to check me out.. I guess Dr Ellis called her and told her he wants me to go home! She examines me and I get teary eyed... I do this every time I see her... she saved my life... she always shrugs it off when I say that but she's the one who cauterized the artery and got me to stop bleeding... I don't think she's had many people say that to her...

I finally get to eat breakfast and soon JR arrives... then the nurse comes in with all my "AT HOME" instructions and discharge papers.. There is a lot to pack up... I've been her for a while and have received several bouquets of flowers... some books, friends have brought magazines... along with my laptop and extra stuff... so this is going to take a couple of trips to the car!

After 3 trips to the Explorer JR is ready to take me down... I put back on my black lounge pants and t-shirt... What I wore before coming in here and the pants are so big I have to cinch them up!! I feel like I've lost at least 10+ lbs... Not the weight loss plan I was looking for.......

When we get home... Pepper is there to great me. I forgot that her fur is so soft! She gets up on the bed with me and won't leave my side... little nursemaid!!

JR asks if I'm hungry for lunch.. "NO"!! It's time to sleep! I wake up and it's DARK... wow... can't believe I slept so long! It's dinner time and JR asks what I want and even though I'm not too hungry I figure some soup would be good.. I have a bunch of medicine I'm supposed to take so I need something in my stomach!

We have cable to there are a lot more channels to surf thru... JR brings some more meds for me to take. I am taking 12+ Imodium pills a day to try and keep the diarrhea at a minimum and they only work marginally. The gas is so bad I am glad I'm on pain pills and patches... it feels weird to be at home... I ask JR to get me some crushed ice.. THANK GOODNESS our frig has a crushed ice option.. I sit on the ice and pack my pelvis.. it's very hot and I know I have to be at the Hulston Center at 7:30am for my treatment in the AM...

Sept 4th, 2007

The phlebotomist is at my door 4am sharp.... because the chemo is in my port... they have to draw blood from my arms... and because I lost so much blood at the beginning of my hospital stay... my veins are not cooperating. They roll or are extremely difficult to penetrate! I look like a drug addict... the insides of my elbow area... are black and blue.. we have discovered that I'm allergic to silk tape and they have to use paper tape on me or my arms scar and peel and turn darker shades.. it's very odd!! I try to explain to the phlebotomist how to get blood from my arm.. but they always ignore me and after 2 or 3 attempts to get blood... then they finally listen! It SUCKS!!

I order breakfast... I always look forward to eating early.. because afternoon's bring nausea! Just about the time I order breakfast the man shows up with the wheelchair to take me to radiation... The ride to radiation becomes a highlight of my day... We walk through the halls of the hospital and I get to see people and the outside world.. then we come to the NATIONAL STREET walkover... which is pretty cool.. I actually get to see the ski... and cars driving.. it's nice... the people who work at the Hulston Center are VERY nice.. so helpful. I'm on day 5 of radiation and I feel the HEAT.. Once I get back to the cancer floor of the hospital I ask the man if we can stop at the patient's lounge and get crushed ice.. I get 5 bags full... before I get into bed I put 2 bags down... and then SIT ON THEM... and then pack my pelvic area with the other 3 bags... My breakfast has already arrived and the man is nice enough to wheel the tray over so I can start eating.. I am so hungry I eat EVERY SINGLE BITE!!!

The days are starting to run together. I am beginning to wonder when the Drs will let me out of the hospital! The nurse tells me that my 96 hours of chemo will be done tonight.. LATE.. that makes me happy. I see myself in the mirror and I don't look like me anymore... I look so thin.. I try not to look in the mirror anymore! I have been in the hospital for 7 days... ONE WEEK... and I am actually AFRAID to go home. Even though being in the hospital is a PAIN... I feel SAFE... One of the nurse's assistants is especially nice to me... she brings me stuff all the time!

Laura shows up... she is my ballroom dance instructor.. I am shocked... I only know her from dancing but she lost her mom to breast cancer and feels a connection! She brings makeup and lotion and massages my feet, brushes my hair and puts makeup on me! That sure makes a person feel good!!

JR finally comes in... He's been working full time.. trying to take care of the household... and AND... he's been doing the shipping of my online website sales... I had to call him on the phone last Friday and talk him through shipping 25 sales... So every morning he's been taking care of the shipping so he doesn't have to do so many all at once... He has put in for FMLA.. (Family Medical Leave Act)... he can take vacation time as sick leave to take care of me.. His days off are Thurs/Fri... He will take Mon/Tues/Wed off from work.. along with his days off... and then he will work the weekend.. I can not be left along so he begins making a list of people who will watch me while he's at work. I am not stable enough to be left alone!

Dave and Marsha come in the late afternoon.. it's nice to see Marsha.. she's a nurse and she notices how agitated I have become... she makes some suggestions to the nurse about my condition.. they seem to know each other... next thing you know I am on some anxiety meds and I calm down quickly.. WOW... Love love this feeling.. everything seems so peaceful!!

As the late evening approaches JR leaves and I am left watching TOP CHEF... and then LA INK... The nurse comes in and removes my chemo bag... I dream of food and getting a tattoo... Some day I will eat everything off the Olive Garden and Red Lobster commercials.. and I will get KAT to give me a REAL TATT!!!

September 2, 2007

4:00am the phlebotomist shows up at my door for more blood.. I am beginning to feel like there are vampires loose in COX hospital... they want blood several times a day.. :-( .. I can not go back to sleep and am happy I am in a private room because I can watch TV...

The chemo is still running into my veins through my port. The bag has to be replaced with MORE F5U.. everytime they change out the bag they have to flush the port... they do the same thing to my IV... the saline that they flush the port or IV with ... I can actually TASTE... when the nurses flush the lines... BLAH!! It's really nasty!

Just about 8AM... the man with the wheelchair shows up to take me over to the Hulston Center for my radiation treatment... Radiation treatments don't FEEL like anything when you are under the machine.. you really don't feel anything. You just lay there... but within 2 hours the heat coming off the pelvic area is unbelievable.. I continue to take bags and bags of crushed ice to sit on and pack my pelvic area... I am now using lots of Aquaphor but I need to make sure the Aquaphor or any lotion/salve is OFF my pelvic area right before my radiation treatments otherwise it will intensify the treatments and the burns will be worse!

Here I am at the very beginning of my treatments and I am so sick already... and the radiation burns are coming on strong... I can't even imagine what a mess I will be in a couple of months!!


The diarrhea has started and nothing will stop it.. I am taking 6-8 Imodium a day... and the Dr had told me I can take more... literally the minute I think I need to go to the bathroom.. it has already happened... This SUCKS... The Imodium is giving me such bad gas that I am glad I'm on a morphine drip and pain patch...

The cancer floor is a nice place to be.. the nurses are especially caring and you are allowed to order food from a special kitchen. The food is VERY good even though I am not usually very hungry!

I sleep a lot because of the heavy pain meds but when I am not sleeping I watch TV. Not a lot of channels but they do have BRAVO and I've also been watching LA INK... I love any show with FOOD.. so TOP CHEF is one of my favs... I just dream of the day I can eat yummy food and enjoy it again!!

Sept 3rd, 2007

4:00am the phlebotomist is back again... even though this is Labor Day... I will be doing radiation for 8 days straight... right through the holiday weekend!! I order early breakfast.. I have found that if I eat early I can usually hold down the food because by 2:00pm I am pretty nauseous and towards 5:00pm I tend to throw up.. even the Zophran only works so good!

Since today is a holiday I have a lot of people visiting. I ask the nurse if I can take a shower and wash my hair.. they are reluctant... I ask if my husband can help me. They know he works at the FED MED and has a lot of emergency training... and they agree. I quickly call JR and ask him to bring some stuff to help me... and he agrees... It's been almost a week since I've had a real shower!!

When JR arrives he tells me he's brought his swim trunks TOO.. LOL.. my modest husband.. he's afraid a nurse will walk in to the bathroom!! The nurse comes in and removes my chemo and IVs.. and then covers my port with plastic and tapes up the plastic to protect the port area...

I am extremely unstable and can only BARELY move my right leg. JR gets into the shower with me and holds me up... There is no way I can stand up on my own! I wash my hair which completely drains me.. and then lightly wash myself off.. I am so tired by this time I really need to sit down! I am extremely thin and it's easy for JR to hold me up! JR picks me up and puts me on the hospital bed... and helps me get dressed... Then helps me brush out my hair.. I won't blow my hair dry because it takes too much energy!!

The nurse comes back in and hooks me back up to chemo and my IV... I fall asleep for a while until visitors start coming in... my daughter and her husband... my other daughter and her fiance... people from the church.... some friends from JR's work... it's hard to stay awake with this morphine drip...

September 1st, 2007

I wake up at 4am again... the phlebotomist is wanting blood... my stomach is growling but I know there will be no food until the port is in and I'm out of the operating room... Even though it's Labor Day weekend my radiation will continue over the weekend. A man comes to my door with a wheelchair and takes me to the Hulston Center for my radiation treatment. When we get back to the room I notice that my pelvic area is REALLY HOT.. I call the nurse and she is not surprised and begins to tell me about radiation burns... OMG... OKAY... So.. I begin packing myself down with ice... sitting on it and packing my front pelvic area with crushed ice.... The nurse also tells me about using baby wipes when I got to the bathroom... because soon.. if I use toilet paper I will rub myself raw... JR runs to the grocery store and brings back a huge package of the exact baby wipes recommended... Thanks JR!!

My surgery is scheduled for noon but noon comes and goes and they finally come get me around 2pm... and I'm back in my room with my port around 5pm... The nurses immediately remove the chemo from my IV and put it in my port... I thought having a port would make getting an IV easier... but their poking your chest instead of your arm... IT BOTH HURTS.. BLAH!!

I finally order something to eat and this time I'm hungry enough to hold it down... I am getting strong doses of Zofran to help with the nausea... and I am finally hungry enough to eat...

I am watching Top Chef... and lusting after food... and then while flipping thru the channels I land on LA INK... and become infatuated with getting a REAL tattoo...

August 30th, 2007.

I wake up in a quiet room at the very end of the cancer floor... a nurse comes in and says they need that room and they will be moving me one room over.. I am nervous because I don't want a roommate and when I get into the room I am alone and it's very quiet.. I am happy. I order something to eat but food has lost it's appeal completely..

Thursday is a down day. I don't have any surgeries or tests.. But I'm still on strong pain meds so... I sleep on and off all day...

August 31st, 2007

Friday I wake up hungry again but am informed that I will have a PET scan and go to the Hulston Cancer Center for MAPPING (CT scans).. So.. NO FOOD FOR ME!! Around 8am a wheelchair arrives and I am wheeled ACROSS the walkover to the Hulston Center. They do CT scans on me.. I get to drink contrast dye.. they put it in my IV.. and then they do a Dye enema... (FUN)... when done.. they TATTOO me... I get 3 tattoos.. one on each thigh and one just below my bikini line... that way when they bring me in to radiation they will have a map to go by... a man wheels me back to my hospital room... around 1:30pm a woman in an EMT uniform comes in... she says she there to pick me up to take me to the Martin Center for a PET scan... she wheels me out on a hospital bed.. HAHAH!! We begin talking and I find out she likes shoes.. (big surprise) and I sell shoes on my website... we begin talking styles and brands... and as opens the door to the ambulance.. I realize there's a TEAM of women.. OMG... a dream come true.. HAHA!! We talk shoes... clothes and purses all the way to the Martin Center... Best ambulance drive ever...

I find out that a PET scan involves having RADIOACTIVE SUGAR shot into your artery!! OMG!!! Okay... then you have to lay still for 45 minutes so your body is completely relaxed because the radioactive sugars are attracted to the most active tissue in your body... and so you need to have a quiet time so the radioactive sugars can work properly..

PET scan is over... a man shows up to wheel me out.. when he opens the doors to the ambulance I am disappointed that my GAL-PAL EMTs are not in there... they are all men and BORING... they are all BUFF and think they are all THAT... OMG.. I hate men who think they are "GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN"... or who take their job TOO SERIOUSLY.. We ride back to the hospital in silence.. :-(

It's getting close to dinner time.. I haven't had anything to eat since dinner last night.. that I threw up... the nurse comes in and says... they are going to start chemo and radiation TONIGHT... OMG!!! Am I ready for this... (like I have a choice)... So... I guess no dinner... 2 nurses come into my room dressed in HAZ-MAT looking uniforms... and tell my they are going to start a 20 minute Mitomycin push... they put that in your artery.. one nurse will watch the clock and one nurse will do the push watching my artery the entire time. One drop of the Mitomycin on your skin or outside the artery... acts like ACID and begins immediately eating away at you... killing everything it touches... (hence the HAZ-MAT uniforms)... As soon as the Mitomycin push is over they hook me up to a bag of F5U (chemo) that will drip into my veins for 96 hours... the minute the chemo bag is attached to my IV... a man comes into the room with a wheel chair and says it's time to take me to the Hulston Center for my first radiation treatment... DEEP BREATH!!!

Well my 1st radiation treatment is over and the chemo is dripping in to my vein.. my colo-rectal surgeon comes in and checks me... she says that another doctor in her group is in surgery all day tomorrow and has time to put a port in... just as she's telling me this... in walks my chemo oncologist.. Dr Ellis... they discuss a PORT... and then next thing you know it is decided that I will get a port TOMORROW (Sept 1st, 2007)... So I am informed I can order something to eat... now because I won't be able to eat after midnight again!!

Laying in my hospital bed for the 3rd night... I begin to wonder when I will get out of the hospital... when will I be able to eat again... then I begin to fall asleep because the pain meds are strong and the room is quiet! Thank goodness for Dr Ellis... he requested a private room for me! I decide I'd better order food but when it comes I am not hungry... I try to force it down and I gag.. I usually love to eat.. I love food and the special kitchen for the cancer patients makes really good food but I am sick to my stomach (Big surprise eh!) ... and I leave most of the food on my tray!

I begin to watch TV because there's not much else I can do... there are not a lot of channels so I begin to watch BRAVO... and they are running back to back episodes of TOP CHEF... Food shows become like PORN... for me... I watch them and LUST after every thing I see to eat!!

August 28th 2007



The Nightmare Begins!

I am on VERY strong medication. So sleeping isn't an issue anymore! JR and I are no longer sleeping together because I need the house VERY warm. If the air conditioner is on blowing cool air on me my right leg cramps up so bad that we can't get the cramp to go away... so we keep the master bedroom extremely warm and JR is sleeping in the walkout basement where it's VERY cool!

I go to bed pretty early on Monday because my doctor's appt is early Tuesday. I wake up around 1:30am and feel really weird. I rub my hands over my ab area and I realize there is something sticky all over me... I get out of bed to go to the bathroom (the door to the master bathroom about 3-4' from my bed) and before I can get through the door I pass out. I wake up and realize I am not on my bed but on the floor... I reach up and turn the light on... I get up and try to make it to the toilet and pass out again between the wall and the toilet... this time when I wake up I realize that I am bleeding and that if I stand up again I will pass out again!! So.. I crawl on my knees from the toilet into the shower. I stripped down in the shower and start to wash myself off... and realize that I have HOT water running on me and that I am bleeding a LOT... from the rectal area.. as if I were on a BAD BAD period... only worse.. I decide that the hot water is not a good idea and start screaming for JR... finally he comes up and the master bathroom looks a lot like a CSI crime scene.. the blood is everywhere.. on the walls.. in the shower.. on the floor.. all over my bedding and clothes.

JR dresses me and has me calling my doctors to keep me from going into shock! He drives me to the emergency room and tells the nurses I have lost massive amounts of blood. They do not triage me.. they test my blood and start giving me blood almost immediately. While I am in the emergency room they give me 4 units of blood!!! After they stabilize me they put a heart monitor on me and transfer me to a floor where they can watch my heart!

I am in a double room... the lady next to me is YELLING at everyone. Demanding this and demanding that... I am horrified by her words and her actions. The bed she is in is oversized because she has to weigh close to 400lbs or maybe more. I can't sleep because she is constantly yelling. It was a good lesson in how to NOT treat nurses and staff at a hospital.

Doctor Rasque comes in early and tells me she's coming back later that evening to do surgery on me!! That evening she came in and cauterized the area where the tumor was eating into a major artery and caused me to almost bleed out!! When they wheel me back to my floor they put me in a different room. For quite a while I do not have a roommate...

August 29, 2007.

I wake up on Wednesday to Doctor Rasque and Doctor Ellis talking about the cauterization. Up to this point I have not met Dr Ellis. Dr Rasque rolls me over and shows Dr Ellis the packing for my surgery... LOL... so I never really met my oncologist because he is looking at my BEHIND.. OMG!!!

The days in the hospital pretty much run together. I am still on STRONG pain medication and pain patches. I believe today I have a biopsy. The doctors want to be SURE that my 2 tumors are the SAME type of cancer. Their main concern is that a different cancer hasn't developed in my body. They want to be able to target the 2 tumors and do it with the same treatment. So.. they have scheduled a biopsy which is a surgery so I can't eat.

Yesterday I wasn't allowed to eat anything after noon because of my surgery to cauterize the main tumor site... I was only allowed something very light last night.. and now I'm not allowed to eat anything today because of the biopsy! I am losing more weight.. none of my clothing fits but it really doesn't matter because hospital gowns only come in size HUGE....

I make jokes with the nurses and doctors in the pre-op area and all the way into surgery... it's the only way for me to cope with what's happening. Everything is a joke!!

When I finally wake up from the biopsy I am allowed to order something to eat for dinner... OMG!! I actually get to eat!! When the food arrives I am so excited but after I start eating I realize I'm not too hungry and then the pain meds make me sick to my stomach and the next thing I know I'm throwing up!!

The dividing curtain is drawn in my room... and the people in the area next to me are talking about their mom... it sounds like there are 3 or 4 people talking and the mom is NOT talking. One man sounds like he's her son... and a lady sounds like she's the daughter.. and the other 2 people are spouses or friends.. It's now well passed 10pm and they are talking LOUD. I ask them if they can hold it down a bit and it gets quiet for a minute and then the loud talking resumes... I begin to cry and call the nurse... she acts as if she can do nothing... We again ask the people to be quiet but this time they completely ignore me and the nurse... JR left about 10 minutes prior and I call him on his cell phone ... I'm crying... he says... I'm coming back and this time you have to let me off my leash.. I agree... As he walks in I cringe... knowing he's pizzed... we have been through a lot and these people next to us are being rude. He pulls back the curtain and says... my wife asked y'all to be quiet... (my husband is 6'5" 240lbs and works at a Fed Prison dealing with BAD INMATES)... now it's time to be QUIET... and the man that I think is a SON says... and who's gonna make us.. next thing I know that man is cowering behind the nurse's station in tears and the nurse is calling security... I hear my husband say... You might as well call the police because your security guards won't TOUCH me... the nurse hangs up the phone... the people who are with their mom... all leave... but by now I won't go back into the room... I am hiding in a recliner chair down the hall...

The nurse calls my Doctor and she agrees that the heart monitor can be removed and after midnight they are moving me to the cancer floor.. As they put me in the room I realize there is someone in the other bed and I am worried about being noisy... and the nurse says to not worry.. the lady in the bed next to me is deaf!

I fall asleep FAST...

August 24th 2007.. we drive to St Louis and meet our friends.. I don't remember ANYTHING about the drive down... I remember getting out of the car at the hotel where my friend was staying. We went out to eat.. I don't remember the dinner. I don't remember arriving at the Verizon Amphitheater.. I don't remember sitting down in our seats... I remember bits and pieces of the concert. I remember my girlfriend being angry with the people sitting next to us because they thought I was on illegal drugs.. (I was on drugs... but the legal kind.. HAHA)... and she told them in no uncertain terms that I had cancer and to back off...

About 1/2 way through the concert JR felt so bad about my condition he literally picked me up.. and carried me out. Carrying me almost all the way to the car. By now I had lost quite a bit of weight. I usually weigh around 130lbs.. and by this time I was getting close to or under 120lbs... after we made it to the car he then drove me home!

Sunday we decide to go to church so we can tell our Sunday school class what is happening in our lives. We have been VERY close to everyone in our class but when the pain became unbearable I would stay in bed all day... church was out of the question. Our Sunday school class was held in the basement... going down the stairs was impossible... going up the stairs.. impossible. JR had to carry me.. and sitting in the chair was horrid... I was in so much pain even though I was on strong medication. I still hurt. Our Sunday school class gathered around and prayed for me. Then JR took me home and put me to bed!

Monday I had an appointment with my radiation oncologist to get mapped... for radiation treatments and on Friday I had an appointment with my chemo oncologist. I arrived at my appt on Monday and something wasn't quite right (can't remember what) but they sent me home to come back the next day.

Now the REAL Nightmare begins!

August 2007. My appointment with Dr Hope Rasque is scheduled for August 16. I have had almost a week to become severely depressed. I have cancer. That is something you NEVER want to hear.. When I meet Dr Rasque she is a very young pretty lady. She informs me that I have colorectal cancer.. and that I have an 80+% chance of survival depending upon the STAGE of my cancer... that will not be known until further tests are completed. She wants to do CT scans of my pelvis to see if the cancer has spread. They need time for the scans to be approved so the scans are scheduled for Aug 22rd.

4 months prior to being diagnosed we purchased tickets for a RUSH concert in St Louis. The concert was on the 24th of August. I told JR that we were CRAZY not to go to the concert. We were going with a group of friends and there was NO way I was staying home!

The day before the concert Dr Rasque calls and tells me the cancer has spread and that is what is causing my sciatica pain. A secondary tumor has been growing on my sacrum and has penetrated the bone. The tumor is so large it has been pushing on my major artery and sciatica causing nerve damage down my leg and causing my leg to atrophy! I am now considered STAGE 4... the worst stage.. I tell her we are going to a concert the next day.. she is not happy. She prescribes me a pain patch.. and new pain medication... she does not think I should go to the concert. I didn't care what she thought. I figured I was going to die and I wanted to have fun!!

August 2007. My colonoscopy is scheduled for Aug 10 the same day my EEG is scheduled. The prep for a colonoscopy is worse than the actual procedure (usually)... I am not allowed to be on pain meds and by this time I am living on meds. I have lost a lot of weigh because I am no longer hungry. The pain meds make me sick to my stomach. I eat and throw up.. eat and throw up... it's a vicious cycle.

The day of the EEG/Colonoscopy. I am in SEVERE pain. No pain meds until my colonoscopy. I am crying in pain.

I make it to Ferrell Duncan for my EEG and they begin the procedure. I am screaming in pain.. LITERALLY.. Have you heard the song "SHOCK THE MONKEY".. well I was the monkey and I was being shocked and it was the worst day of my life (so far)... after the EEG the Doctor comes in and tells me to roll over.. he brings in a needle that is about 6" long and says he's going to poke in into my muscles!!!! OMG!!! I just lay there crying and moaning in pain... it was horrid... I sobbed all the way out of Ferrell Duncan.

We drive over to the Martin Center for my colonoscopy. Of course nothing is fast... they finally get me prepped and ready... and give me VERSED... OMG... that is a miracle drug... They end the colonoscopy early because the doctor says I am in such severe pain. He can not get passed the tumor and finish the procedure. He only gets about 30% of the colonoscopy completed.

After I am back in the recovery room and still not completely awake the doctor comes in and tells JR that I have cancer and that he has scheduled an appt for me to see a colo-rectal surgeon to discuss what the best plan of action will be.. the appt is for the following Thursday... TODAY IS FRIDAY!!!!

July 2007. I am seeing a physical therapist. She is my friend. She is a ballroom dancer and we have known each other for quite a while. She doesn't understand why the treatments are not working. She has tried EVERYTHING she knows and nothing is working. She sends me to an orthopedic doctor to see if I need an orthotic... or if the doctor can figure out what is wrong with my leg/back. The doctor does scans of my leg and sees nothing wrong. She agrees that an EEG might be necessary to see if something is wrong with my nervous system.

Meanwhile the Martin Center finally calls and makes an appt for a colonoscopy for Aug 10, 2007... the same day as my EEG. If I can't make that appt the next one available is close to the end of August.

By this time not only am I experiencing sciatica pain and footdrop I am beginning to notice blood in my stool.... This only began in late June to early July! The only symptoms I have had are with my leg and back pain!

July is pretty much a wash because I am on such strong pain medication that I am out of it most of the time! Our back-door neighbor's house is quite a distance from us but the wife calls me one afternoon asking if everything is okay. I ask WHY... she says she hears me screaming and wants to make sure NO ONE IS HURTING ME... I tell her about my sciatica pain and then she understands!!

About mid to late July I see my physical therapist and tell her that I understand why people who have chronic pain blow their brains out. I tell her I see "NO LIGHT AT THE END OF ANY TUNNEL"... the pain is here to stay and I don't want to live like this... before I leave the office she makes an appointment for me to see a pain management counselor and after I leave the office she calls JR (my husband) and tells him to get ALL the guns out of the house!! She is worried I make commit suicide! To be honest I had started thinking it would be easier to die..

June 2007.. 5:15am ... laying on the bed in the hotel room. My cell phone rings. It's the RAMP TRUCK driver.. OMG! I tell him our story and he says.. I can't take your Yukon to Bakersfield. I say.. are you passing through Barstow? He says "YES!".. I say.. could you drop it off at the Food 4 Less in Barstow right off the freeway and we have an extra set of keys.. if we could get the Yukon to California then we could figure out how to get it to Bakersfield a lot easier. HE AGREES!!! OMG!! BUT.. he's leaving in 1 hour.. we have to get it out and ready for him to haul.. We empty the Yukon and get it ready.. JR helps the driver get the Yukon up on the truck and secured! I pull out my checkbook ready to pay the driver... "HOW MUCH?"... he says.. NOTHING... he explains that he drives the ramp truck all over the USA for the different movie studios.. he says he makes GREAT $$ and this is a "PAY IT FORWARD" time!! We are SHOCKED!!

The waitress picks JR up at the hotel and drives him to the airport. JR finally gets a oneway rental to California... and we pack up the rental and off to California we go.. On our way to Barstow we get a call that the youth pastor of the Barstow Baptist church is in my 1/2 sister's wedding and they have agreed we can park the Yukon in the church parking lot. WOWO!! The truck driver calls and we tell him this news and he says he will drop the Yukon off in the church parking lot! We get to Barstow and our Yukon is parked behind the church.

We get back on the road and make it to Bakersfield just in time for our daughter to be in the wedding rehearsal! We breath a sigh of relief.

We finally manage to get our Yukon to Bakersfield and we buy my dad's Explorer. At least we have a vehicle to drive back to Missouri. The trip is very stressful. I am in extreme pain and my dad is constantly telling me I have a bad attitude. I can't walk up and down the stairs to the bedroom we are staying in at my brother's house. I literally scream in pain on the way up and down the stairs. I am trying so hard to be strong and keep my pain to myself but it's very hard. My dad is so mean to me. I keep trying to tell him I'm in pain but he is certain I have a bad attitude. I can't wait to go home. I am so unhappy!

June 2007. We leave for California for the wedding. We make it to Albuquerque and spend the night.. day 2... we make it just passed William Arizona and our Yukon BLOWS up... literally! We call AAA and 3 hours later they show up and have to put the Yukon UP on the tow truck and take it back to Williams. A hose came loose BUT it was an important hose and we now have a thrown rod and the engine will need to be rebuilt.. We book a room at a Holiday Inn and get something for dinner.

We find out that a taxi from the Holiday Inn to the airport (where the rental cars are) will run almost $50. We ask a the waitress if she knows anyone who will drive us to the airport for $20 and she says SHE WILL... so we set a time and she's going to take JR to the airport.

That night I notice a HUGE RAMP truck (used for hauling vehicles) parked in the Holiday Inn parking lot and it has California license plates. I ask JR if he thinks I should write the driver a note asking if he'd like to make some extra money hauling our vehicle to Cali. JR is angry at me for even asking him such a stupid question. Finally I nag JR enough that he agree to walk with me while I take a note to put on the RAMP truck asking the driver to call us. I have fallen so many times trying to walk fast... that I am afraid to walk alone. My foot drop has gotten worse. My toe drags and causes me to fall.

We get back to our hotel room and JR is furious with me. The kids are asleep. I can't sleep I am so sick to my stomach.. I surf on my laptop most of the night and am so sick I literally throw up. I don't know how.. I hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast...

May 2007. I have had to quit all my jobs. I can only BARELY run my own business. I am in so much pain I can no longer work for the Review Shoppe or for AC Nielsen. I am screaming in pain all the time. I have seen my Doctor and he wants me to start seeing a physical therapist and they are going to do MRI scans on my back. We are leaving for Bakersfield Ca for my 1/2 sister's wedding and I am not sure how I will sit in the vehicle all those hours on the drive. I am hurting so bad.. words can not describe the pain! They do an MRI on my back and find absolutely NOTHING wrong with my back. My Doctor agrees that a colonoscopy is a good idea but since I will be gone he will have the Martin Center call me when we get back towards the end of June. I am also scheduled for an EEG. I also have an appointment for a physical therapist for when I return from California.

April 2007. I am seeing my chiropractor 2-3 times a week and nothing is getting better. He tells me that I need to strengthen the leg and glut muscles and stretch. He hooks me up to a device that is supposed to relieve pressure on my back and help my spine but it is not making the sciatica pain go away. IN FACT.. my sciatica pain is getting worse. He wants me to do lunges to strength the leg and gluts but I can only make it DOWN into the lunge position.. I can NOT come back up!

March 2007. I am experiencing horrible sciatica nerve pain. It usually gets worse as the day progresses and by evening I am crying out in pain. I call my doctors office and they say I can see a chiropractor without a referral. So I make an appointment. I can't hardly sit at work. It hurts so bad and walking has now become extremely difficult. I can feel myself becoming less and less active. I am spending a lot of time laying in bed and crying.

February 2007. I work 2 jobs and run my own website business. I work for AC Nielsen as a data collector. I work for 2 ladies that own a clothing store in Springfield. Their store has consignment clothing and new items they have bought at outlet and close out prices and sell in the store and online. I run their online sales. I also own a website selling items online.

Sometime in February I am in Price Cutter Grocery store in Nixa Missouri. I was collecting data for AC Nielsen. I am walking up and down the aisles and notice that I have a minor footdrop. Most people have a "HEEL TO TOE" gait as they are walking. My left foot is working correctly but my right foot falls FLAT to the floor. I am seriously bothered by this... I am very in-tuned to my body and notice anything weird and I am quite annoyed.. When I get home I forget about it but not for long. While we are ballroom dancing I notice that my right foot is not working properly!

Prior to posting a timeline of my cancer details I would like to give a brief background of my life.

November 14, 1958 Birthday.... born in Bakersfield California... Lived most of my early life in the Bakersfield area!


7-7-1979 Married John Richards. (Bakersfield, California)
From December of 1979 until March of 1993 I teach aerobics at many clubs in Bakersfield California. Jack LaLannes, Bakersfield Racquetball Club, The Club, Golds, Total Woman, The Y, Family Fitness, Phase 1 Fitness and subbed at many other facilities. I was even a personal trainer for several years.
I also worked for AC Nielsen as a data collector.

3-15-1993 We moved from Bakersfield to Lompoc California because John's job at the Federal Prison was solidified and we needed to get our family all back together.
AC Nielsen put me back to work on the Central Coast. The Wellness Center at the prison (where JR worked) asked me to teach step aerobics for the employees and spouses. I began teaching for several years.

5-30-1998 We moved from Lompoc to Nixa Missouri. John's job moved us again!
AC Nielsen put me back to work in SWMO. I continued to workout and stay in shape but on my own. I did not try to get back into the fitness industry.

Summer 2004 John and I began taking ballroom dancing lessons. We loved ballroom dancing. Our favorite by far was West Coast Swing... We usually danced 3-4 nights a week at dance studios and private ballrooms.